Diwali and home

I’ve always carried the whole angst of me not belonging anywhere with a certain pride to it. Everyone I’ve met have been somewhat victimised by the way I’ve always introduced myself, stating ‘I belong nowhere’ with this enormous childish confidence (even though I sound like a complete lunatic doing that). And yet, despite the confidence, my voice seems to crack every single time I say it.

In the past 10 years I’ve lived across 7 different cities, each of them bringing with themselves a unique culture and immense diversity. I am an accumulation of all of these cultures and perhaps more, so much that my unique identity is almost nothing.

I’ve longed for home. God, I guess almost everyone who know me better seem highly aware of the fact. And this sense of alienation tends to be exponential on festive holidays. When people tend to light up their houses and sit on their front porch sipping tea with their loved ones, feeling all nice and comfortable and like they fucking belong there, in that place, at that time (those assholes)

But this year I shifted to a new location where I think I’m going to be for a while. (I guess) After much deliberation, I’ve finally found an apartment (that I’m kind of, sort of overspending on). And to everybody who’s been asking how my new place is, I simply say, with the same childish confidence, “It’s like a dream”.

Which it is, in so many ways. It has a verandah that opens up to the mountains, it’s got a locality full of lovely people. Our neighbours have the most adorable daughter who always tends to play with tummy everytime I pass their place.

And today me and roomie celebrate our first diwali here. We didn’t do much. We just lighted up the place a bit, made tea and sat in our verandah in the evening, letting the breeze do its nothing.

Maybe the people I saw indulge in their own festive celebrations back then probably didn’t do much either, but atleast now I tend to know what it feels like to be one of them.

Now I tend to know what it feels like, to have a home.

Happy Diwali everyone. Wherever you all are, in whichever corner of the world, I hope this festive season you tend to be at home.

Peace and love,

S 🙂


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